Boner: The Movie

SETTING: A classroom, the students are working on an assignment.

A boy turns to the girl next to him and asks her a question and they start talking and working on the assignment together for a while. They are both sitting down.

Other classmates walk out when they get done. Use the editing and camera technique to make the audience assume time has past: show the full class, then the class with less people in it and people standing up and walking (presumably leaving) after a quick fade, then even less people in the classroom after another fade, etc. keeping the same shot/camera angle the whole time, 'til it's just the two of them.

They finish up, and the boy stands up and leaves. When he stands up, it becomes obvious that he has a huge boner.

This happens again and again, each time the girl is increasingly uncomfortable as she realizes what's going on. But the WEIRD thing is, he comes to class with a boner and even has one when he's not talking to her, so she doesn't want to say anything 'cos maybe he has bipolar disorder or something.

Some other day, he sees her walking somewhere. He yells her name. She pretends like she doesn't know him and starts walking faster. He chases after her, boner intact. Show a dramatic shot where you just see the black outlines of their dark bodies next to a sunset, he with a protruding boner clear even though their bodies are black from lack of light.

He finally catches up to her and grabs her arm and turns her around.

"Listen, Bonita, I'm in love with you. You want to know how I know? Look! Look down here!" (points at his immense hard-on) "I can feel it there, and in here!" (points at his heart) "I have so many boners in here - I have so many boners in my heart for you!"

"Listen Elwood Boone, you're starting to freak me out!"

"Then let me finish freaking you out, so this boner will go away!"

"No!" (she runs away)

("It Hurts" by Angels and Airwaves plays.)

Song lyrics: "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts..."

"It hurts." (Elwood is in a doctor's office.) "You know how they say you should see a doctor if you have an erection for more than six hours when you're on erectile dysfunction medication? Yeah, I'm not on anything and I've had a boner for six DAYS."

(He explains the whole story of he got it - from the girl.)

"Listen, Bad-Boner-Pun-For-A-Name, you need to go tell this girl you love her, that's the only cure!" (shaking Elwood frantically)

"Oh, yeah, already thought of that, did it - it didn't work out."

"Fuck - you're screwed."

"I wish...I wish."

(Sad music.)

END