Carb Hater

There once was a man who took carb dieting to the extremes. He invented the No-Carb Diet and is therefore responsible for all of the weight lost in this country since the diet was conceived. These are just some of his valiant adventures to destroy carbs.

Carb Hater idea conceived by Paul Frank. Skits written by Paul Frank and Jake Ebenhoe. For more information about who wrote what, go to the Credits page, which is located on the Words page. The titles are stupid, and they were all written by Paul Frank.

Carb Hater: Crying Over Spilled Milk

(There is a guy sitting at a table. "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor starts playing.)

Male #1
(Pours cereal into a bowl. Grabs a new gallon of milk. Starts taking off the cap guard thingamanigger.)

Carb Hater
(Appears out of nowhere in the shot. Hurriedly walks up to the man sitting at the table. There is a furious look on his face.)
(Takes gallon of milk and chucks it at a door.)


"There's fucking carbs in that, are you fucking insane?!?!
(Grabs the guy by his shirt, swings him off of his chair onto the floor. Takes out a switchblade and holds it to the guy's neck.)

Male #1
"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!? It doesn't have that many carbs in it!"

Carb Hater
"That's what 'THEY' want you to think."
or
"We can't take any chances."
or
"Better for me to take your life quickly and painlessly than for those goddamn carbs to slowly destroy your body."
or
"One carb is too many."

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Carb Hater: Sour Grapes

(A different male is sitting at a table.)

Male #2
(Eating grapes.)

Carb Hater
(Enters the same way as last time.)
(Takes the grape and chews it slowly while staring angrily at the male.)
(Spits the grape into the male's face.)
"Fucking carbs!"

Male #2
"Jesus Christ, I was just trying to eat a healthy snack before work! Get the fuck out of here!"

Carb Hater
"Fine, I will. But you'll regret this decision later, in two weeks, when you're lying on your death bed, thinking of all the carbs you ever ate...thinking, if only I would've quit...if only I would've quit."
(He disappears into thin air.)

Male #2
"Wait, Carb Hater, wait! NOOOOOOOO!!! I didn't mean what I said! Wait, Carb Hater, you saved my li-hi-ifeeee!!!"

Carb Hater
(Reappears.)
"Qué clause?"

Male #2
"Oh, er, nothing, nothing."

Carb Hater
"Okay."
(Disappears into the night.)

Male #2
"No, Carb Hater, I need you! I need you more than I need air! I need you more than Adam needed Eve! Come back, Carb Hater, come back!"

Carb Hater
"You called for me? Did you need something."

Male #2
(Happy as can be, smiling.)
"Oh, no, Carb Hater, I don't need anything, except you. Everything is perfect."

Carb Hater
"Okay, well, I have carbs to kill."
(Disappears into the wilderness.)

Male #2
"No, Carb Hater, don't go! You're the closest thing to a father figure I've ever had! I can't live without you! Even if I had air, water, food, shelter, etc., I still couldn't live without you!!!"

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Carb Hater: The Seven-Dollar No-Carb Meal

(A shot of McDonald's.)

Male #3
(Walks out of McDonald's carrying a bag of McDonald's food, a large cup of soda, a hot fudge sundae, and an ice cream cone.)

(A car is pulling into the parking lot. Its tires screech as it brakes suddenly.)

Carb Hater
(Gets out of the car.)
(Takes the bag and throws it down onto the concrete. Grabs the soda, sundae, and cone, and spikes it onto the concrete.)
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?!?"

Male #3
"What the fuck, man?!? That cost me seven dollars!"

Carb Hater
"Look at my fucking eyes. You think I fuck around when it comes to carbs?! Fuck no, alright? I'm doing this for you own fucking good. You should be thanking me. God, nobody fucking appreciates me protecting their bodies."

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Carb Hater: Cracker Crusher

(There is yet another man seated at a table.)

Male #4
(He is eating a bowl of soup. He opens a bag of crackers.)

Carb Hater
(Appears.)
"I'll fucking kill you! Do you know how many fucking carbs are in each one of those fucking crackers?!?"

Male #4
"No..."

Carb Hater
(Crushes every single cracker with his fist.)
"I hope you learned something today...I really fucking do."

(The Carb Hater disappears.)

Male #4
"Thanks for crushing my crackers!"

Carb Hater
(Reappears.)
"Are you being sarcastic?"

Male #4
"No, I crush my crackers and put them in the soup so you're actually helping me out."

Carb Hater
"Wait!" (flips over bowl of soup) "You think I wasn't intending on helping you out? That's all I ever do is help people out...help people out with their fucking carbohydrate problems/addiction."

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Carb Hater: Carb and Cereal Maze

(There is a guy sitting at a table, eating cereal. There is a maze on the back of the box, and the man is staring at it intently. The Carb Hater comes up and takes the box from him.)

Male #5
"Wait, man, I almost got to the end..."
Carb Hater
(Ignores him.)
"Let's see...nutrition facts...27 CARBS?!?"
(Looks Male #5 straight in the eyes.)
"THAT'S 28 TOO MANY!"
 
Male #5
"Don't you mean 27 too many?"
 
(The camera zooms in on Carb Hater's face.)
 
Carb Hater
"No."
 
Male #6
"You expect too much, man...can't it be like a 100-carbs-a-month diet??
 
Carb Hater
(Surprised, then enfuriated.)
"100 CARBS A MONTH?!? THAT WOULD KILL YOU IN A WEEK!"

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Carb Hater: Shopping for Groceries

(Grocery store- Checker looks to be in a deep zone of scanning relentless amounts of
barcodes for hours. Clearly mentally exhausted. The Carb Hater is now setting down his
items on the conveyer belt.)

(Checker starts to ring up the Carb Hater's items.)

Checker: Hello, sir. How are you doing today?

(Carb Hater says nothing.)

Carb Hater: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!?!? YOU FUCKING DICK I WORK ON MY FEET FOR EIGHT HOURS ONLY TO COME TO FIND THAT THIS SADISTIC CORPORATION IS TRYING TO KILL ALL OF US!

Checker: (scared) excuse me sir, what's the problem??

Carb Hater: (stands up on conveyer belt.) YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK! HOW CAN YOU SELL THIS
POISON?  (Takes and throws loaf of bread.) WHY DO YOU SELL THIS TO ME?

Checker: Sir, you brought the bread up here. What is the problem with the bread?

Carb Hater: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF CARBS? GOD DAMNIT? GOD DAMN YOU!

(Carb hater runs out of store angrily.) (you hear broken glass and the sound of car horns)

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Carb Hater: Salad and French Fries, Hold the Carbs

(Carb hater asks you to lunch at Applebee's. He's higher than you in the work force,
so you figure it wouldn't be a bad idea.)

(Each person orders their meal. 10 minutes later, the food arrives)

Male #7: Thank you.

Carb Hater: What are you doing?? (Squints eyes, peers at male #1's meal cynically. Takes
bite out of spinach salad.)

Male #7: Thanks for lunch, everything looks great.

Carb Hater: JUST SHOVE 'EM IN!!!

Male #7: What's that??

Carb Hater: JUST SHOVE THOSE CARBS IN YOUR FACE. JUST SHOVE THOSE FUCKING CARBS IN. I DON'T FUCKING CARE, KILL YOURSELF, SEE IF I CARE, HUH, MOTHER FUCKER, HUH?! JUST SHOVE 'EM THE FUCK IN!

Male #7: (stares forward, jaw dropped, and French fry drops from hand)
ahh wahh?

Waiter: Everything ok over here??

Carb Hater: (stands up, grabs clean salad plate) AH NO ACTUALLY NOT! (Smashes salad
plate on the table, then holds glass shard to waiter's neck) YOU BETTER GET OUTTA HERE
BUDDY, OR YOUR GONNA GET HURT!

Waiter: Buh, but? This is my job! (sobbing)

Carb Hater: YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE HERE!

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Carb Hater: Brushing on More Carbs

(There is a person brushing their teeth, leaning over the sink in the bathroom.)

(Carb hater runs through the backround.)

Carb Hater : SHOVE 'EM INNNNN!!!! (referring to the toothpaste)

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Carb Hater: The Lord's Carb-Infested Supper

(A Christian church, everybody is lining up for communion or the lord's supper if you will)

(A person takes a wafer out of the tray)

The body of Christ??

(The person puts the bread in their mouth.)

Carb Hater: JUST SHOVE THOSE GOD DAMN CARBS IN YOUR FUCKING FACE! UNHOLY THAT YOU COULD
BE EATING CARBS AT CHURCH. JUST SHOVE EM IN, JUST SHOVE EM IN!

Pastor: This is the Lord's Supper, if you'd like to join us that would be just fine!

Carb Hater: DO YOU THINK I'M GOD DAMN CRAZY?! (Punches pastor in the face and runs out
with the tray of bread, later throwing it through a stained glass window)

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Carb Hater: Dear Carb Hater

A little boy is sitting at a desk, writing.

"Dear Carb Hater,

I've been a very good boy this year. I have only had 20 carbs up until now, and those were on accident! (Who knew cocaine had carbs in it?!?) At least it's only 20, that is way down from somewhere around 160,000 last year! God, I was so fucking ignorant last year. So...fucking...ignorant. Good thing I was staying up late one night, looking for Girls Gone Wild infomercials, else I would've never stumbled across your infomercial. And guess what, I still got off (to your infomercial this time), and now I'm a super better person. People stop me in the street to tell me how "dangerously" skinny I look, and it's all thanks to your No-Carb Diet! I hope you pick me for the winner of your Christmas contest. I'm only ten years old, and yet I am following in your footsteps! Who knows, maybe I'll be the next Carb Hater!

Yours truly and carbless,

Aaron"

Carb Hater is shown scribbling a indecipherable response.

"Dear Erin,

Trust me, I've made the same cocaine mistake, but that was before I became the Carb Hater, or Le Carb Hater, as they say in French, or La Carb Hater, as they say in Spanish. Anyways, I gave up coke because I knew it had carbs in it. You should've known, too. This is why you'll never be the Carb Hater. Mark my fucking words: You will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER...EVER be the Carb Hater. How dare you. Since you had 20 carbs this year, you are not eligible for the contest, any prizes, or my respect.

I hate carbs and I hate you,

The Carb Hater"

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Carb Hater: Humans Aren't the Only Carb Addicts

A dog is at his bowl, eating dog food. Carb Hater comes up and pushes the dog, Madeline, away.

"ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Dogs are so not man's best friend...at least the no-carb-dieting-man. Do you realize how many fucking carbs are in that, do you?!?"

A shot is shown of the dog. The dog does not respond. He does not know how many fucking carbs are in it.

"Dogs are so fucking stupid!"

The dog tries to resume eating. The Carb Hater pushes the dog away again. The dog tries to bite the Carb Hater.

"ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!! Don't fucking touch me with those carb teeth! I don't know where those teeth have been! You could've ate bread with those!!! God fucking Jesus! This is worse than rabies! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

The camera is above Carb Hater as he screams, for dramatic effect. It fades away. The screen says: "No animals were harmed in the making of this skit (except Madeline the dog)."

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Carb Hater: It's Halloween, Carb Hater

This skit is a mixture of scripted skit and unscripted tomfoolery. It involves Carb Hater walking the streets on Halloween night, yelling at all the kids because their candy contains carbohydrates.

Carb Hater approaches a teenage girl.

Carb Hater: "You're not fooling anyone."

Girl: "..."

Carb Hater: "You're not fooling anyone...we all know you're not really an angel."

Girl: "It's a costume! I'm not trying to fool anyone. It's Halloween."

Carb Hater: "Is this a costume?" (points to his own clothes) "Huh? Do you think my beliefs are a costume, huh? You think I fake hating carbs? Do you, bitch?"

Girl: "What? Did you say carbs?"

Carb Hater: "You slut. You're a carb slut. Look at you. You're no angel. Look in that bag. You're no angel. You let more carbs touch that mouth and tongue of yours than any girl I've ever seen. Ohmagod."

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(Carb Hater could be the theme to an episode, with Carb Hater skits dispersed throughout the episode, or we could have one to two Carb Hater skits each episode. We would have certain music like "Eye of the Tiger" or "Cat Scrath Fever" playing throughout these scenarios. Or, maybe every time the Carb Hater appears, the same song would start playing.)

(Another carb hater skit possibility is to have different shots of a rummage sale. The camera would slowly zoom in on a man looking around. He is facing the camera, and as he picks up a book, you see his eyes roll in the back of his head. He flips over the table that the book was on. He goes up to the people taking the money. "YOU'RE FUCKING GETTING RID OF THIS YOU CARB-DIETING PANSY?!?" It would be an Atkins diet book.)