The
Fetal Position
(A
man named Edward is at work, talking to his coworkers. He wants to be
in their research group, but they're hesitant to include him.)
Edward:
"Well, on a different note, I got this silly shirt last night, I'm
gonna wear it for Casual Friday tomorrow."
(Everybody
cracks up and tries to restrain their laughter, except for Edward.)
Edward:
"What? What's so funny?"
(Nobody
answers him.)
(Later,
a female coworker who overheard comes up to him.)
Female:
"Edward, tomorrow's not Casual Friday, tomorrow's Thursday. Don't
tell anyone I told you. I just felt bad for you, ya know?"
(Edward
looks up at her stunned / shocked / surprised / terrified.)
(Cut to
a shot of Edward at his house. He is lying on the floor. He is wet, cold,
shaking, and in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, with a gun
pointed to his own head. Show this for several seconds and then fade out.)
(Edward
is at a party. Some partygoer who seems like he might be gay has just
left.
Edward turns
to the guy next to him and says "was that guy g-a-y gay?"
The guy
nods.
Edward goes,
"I knew it. I have one o' them, what do ya call it...gaydads...gay
dads?"
The guy
next to him cracks up and goes, "I think you mean gaydars. You know,
like a gay radar."
Everyone
laughs at Edward.
(Cut to
a shot of Edward in a room. A chair is in the middle of the room, and
a tied rope is hanging from the ceiling, a 'noose', if you will. Edward
stands on the chair and as he's putting his neck in the noose, the camera
fades out.)
Edward is
talking with a coworker. The coworker seems like he doesn't want to talk
to Edward. Nobody really wants to talk to Edward. But Edward keeps talking
anyway, since he's wondering about a coworker he likes.
Edward:
"So, her boyfriend's moving away? Ooh, sounds like a prime opportunity
to move in on her, if you catch my drift. Or are they gonna have one o'
them LTD's?"
Coworker:
"What's an LTD?"
Edward (in
a matter-of-fact tone): "LTD...? Long-distance-relationship? Duh!...?"
The female
they were talking about comes up next to them.
Edward:
"That's LDR, Edward, but no one abbreviates long distance relationship,
which is what me and my boyfriend are going to have."
(Cut to
shot of Edward going into his garage later that day/night. He closes the
garage door, gets in his car, starts the car, puts all the windows down,
and sits there [hoping to get carbon monoxide poisioning].)
Edward is
out on a date, with a girl, for probably the first time in his whole life.
Don't get too sad, Edward's a fictional character.
Somehow
Edward gets this girl at his house, although nothing sexual is going on.
They're sitting at a table, eating, and talking. Edward made a romantic
dinner...TV dinners, that is.
Date: "I've
always wanted to get a nosejob..."
Edward drops
his fork, the fork makes a clanging sound on the plate it was dropped
onto.
Edward:
"Oooh, that's hot. I've never heard of it, though. Do I just stick
it in your nose...or what?"
This time,
the female drops her fork, or whatever eating utensil she's using, and
leaves.
(Cut to
shot of Edward getting a glass from a cupboard. He puts ice in it, then
goes into his bathroom. He pours cologne into the glass, and raises the
glass to his mouth as the camera fades out.)