Vault Soda 2

The guy from the previous vault soda, the Guy Who Misses Everything / The Guy Who Feels Bad For Inanimate Objects and Things / Missy Misdemeanor, is standing over a garbage can, holding a Kleenex.

"I'm just really going to miss this Kleenex. It was a good Kleenex, you know? It did its job - and it did it good. It took my boogers and snot and it didn't complain one bit. Did you hear it complaining, you Kleenex-hater?" (almost in tears, tears of rage and sadness balled up)

"Dude, just throw away the Kleenex, we're late."

CUT

Missy Misdemeanor is sitting next to a girl on a bed, both of them are naked.

"I'm just sooo going to miss that condom, you know. Without it, I never would have been able to make love to you. It's the best little condom in the world."

"You're so unsensitive."

"UNSENSITIVE?!? I'M THE MOST SENSITIVE FUCKIN' GUY IN THE WORLD! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?"

"I'm moving away, you won't see me for over a year, and yet you don't even miss me?"

"Yeah, you're going away, you're going away for a long time..."

CUT

Missy Misdemeanor is digging a large hole in the ground. Previous girl is on the ground.

"I'm really going to miss you, April. It's so hard for me to do this. You can't even begin to understand how hard it is for me to do this." (chewing gum, calm, cool and collected for the first time in the skit)

Shot of girl. She is tied-up - her hands and mouth are duct-taped.

He kicks her over into the hole and starts shoveling dirt on to her, filling the hole back up and burying her alive. He finishes after a fade-out, fade-in, and starts walking away.

He stops, hesitation and regret filling his face.

"I'm really going to miss that one piece of dirt."

He turns around and goes back. He digs for a little bit, finds the clump of dirt, picks it up, and puts it down the front of his pants.

THE END