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Terri Schiavo, Michael Schiavo, and several of their friends are eating at a restaurant. It is towards the end of the meal.

TERRI SCHIAVO: I'll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.

Terri Schiavo leaves the table, whereupon she pukes up everything she just ate. She comes back to the table.

FEMALE FRIEND #1: Hey, Terri, you have some puke on your cheek!

Everyone at the tables laughs.

TERRI SCHIAVO: Which one? Where? Is it off? I mean, what? What are you talking about? Why would there be puke on my cheek?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Everyone cover their ears!

Everyone at the table covers their ears.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Everyone fucking knows, Terri! You're not fucking sneaky! They figured out you puke on their own, you dumb bitch!

TERRI SCHIAVO: I'm sorry, I'm doing it for you, baby, remember what you said?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Of course I remember! It still is true: if you ever get fat again, I'll divorce the shit out of you! Everyone can uncover their ears now!

Everyone uncovers their ears.

MALE FRIEND #1: I got the bill.

FEMALE FRIEND #2: Oh, no, don't worry about it, we'll cover it.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: No, don't be ridiculous. We'll get it. It's no problem.

MALE FRIEND #1: No, really, I got i-

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: No, I'm going to pay for this fucking bill, and that's that.

FEMALE FRIEND #1: How 'bout we all just chip in? It'd make us all feel better.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: You know what would make ME feel better? If you all shut the fuck up and let me pay for your meals.

MALE FRIEND #1: Thanks, Mike.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: It's fucking Michael, you dick.


Michael Schiavo and his lawyer, George Felos, are having some beers and watching a sports channel. Terri Schiavo and her parents' lawyer, David Gibbs are reading.

DAVID GIBBS: So, Schiavo, how have you been lately?



David knocks over a few end tables, sending over lamps, Kleenex boxes, and glasses of water in the process. He grabs Terri Schiavo and throws her flat on the ground.


He runs out to the living room.

DAVID GIBBS: Call the fucking cops!

GEORGE FELOS: Now, you just settle down, there, buddy. Why would we have to do that?

DAVID GIBBS: Terri's fucking dying, that's why!

GEORGE FELOS: Wouldn't we call the emergency services then?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, you raise a very good point. I mean, the cops, fuck, we'd call them if someone was robbing our house or if we needed a cat out of the tree.

GEORGE FELOS: No, Michael, you're wrong. You've got to let me do the talking. If one needed a cat out of the tree, one would call the fire station.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: No, that'd be bad! They have fires and shit to take care of, you know, much more important stuff than feral cats.

GEORGE FELOS: Nobody said they were feral. Oh, I think you don't know the definition of feral cats.


GEORGE FELOS: See, that's why you have to let me do the talking. You screw up sometimes. But, it's okay, nobody's perfect.

DAVID GIBBS: Jesus fucking Christ! It's the same number, for fuck's sake! Just fucking dial 911, I'm gonna help Terri!

GEORGE FELOS: But you said to call the cops. We don't need the cops, that'd be ridiculous. They would charge us for a false alarm. That's why I'm a good lawyer, and you're a shitty one.

George Felos and Michael Schiavo both laugh.

DAVID GIBBS: You guys are fucking crazy! Just call Terri's parents, they'll know what to do!

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Do it yourself, woman.


MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Sorry, reflex.

DAVID GIBBS: Oh, okay.

David Gibbs calls Terri Schiavo's parents, who call emergency services. Terri Schiavo is alive, but in a coma. She comes out of the coma two-and-a-half months later. She had fallen ill because she had low potassium levels from drinking enormous amounts of iced tea all day (true story).

Terri Schiavo is brought from center to center, but never gets better. Michael Schiavo is her legal guardian, he is living at the Schindler's condiminium for free and has a favorable relationship with them. They encourage him to get on with his life, and even to date.


MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Now, just act normal, Terri, I'm taking you to these parks so maybe you can be like you used to...just don't embarrass me or you're going right back to the fucking Mediplex.


MICHAEL SCHIAVO: What? That's not even fucking English, Schiavo!


BOB SCHINDLER: Oh, hey, Michael, who's this?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: This is my date for the night, her name's Kayla.


KAYLA: Hi, nice to meet you. Michael, are these your parents?

(Light laughter from all.)

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Haha, no, these are just a friend's parents.

(Kayla exits with Mary Schindler to go get some drinks.)

BOB SCHINDLER: Hey, Mike, buddy, she seems like a nice girl.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, and at least she's not a veg.

Bob Schindler and Michael Schiavo both laugh.

BOB SCHINDLER: Now, Mike, come on, you and I both know she's minimally conscious, not in a persistent vegitative state.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Whatever, I'm gonna go get laid. I'll see you guys later or whatever.

BOB SCHINDLER: Alright, don't forget to use a condom.


KAYLA: So, who were those people you're living with exactly?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Well, I don't really like to get into it....but they're my dead wife's parents.

KAYLA: Dead?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: (mumbles) ...dead to me.

KAYLA: What's that?


KAYLA: Oh, you poor thing.

Michael Schiavo plays the whole sympathy factor for the rest of the meal. They go to the Schindler condiminium afterwards, where he proceeds to fuck the shit out of her, right by a picture of Terri Schiavo.

Michael Schiavo sues a doctor of Terri Schiavo's for not testing for the eating disorder Terri had, claiming that this led to her current condition. The Schiavo (Michael) and the Schindlers stop talking to each other. Terri Schiavo doesn't talk at all, because she's a veg. It is not clear why they stopped talking to each other as both have their different reasons. Michael says it is because he didn't give them no cash flow from the lawsuit settlement. The Schindlers be all like he didn't come through on his agreement to seek hardcore treatments for Terri and shit.


JOHN H. PECAREK: Michael, I'm going to be around you alot to see how you care for Schiavo. Just act like I'm not even here.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, no problem, bitch.

JOHN H. PECAREK: So, I hear you've been studying nursing. That's kind of gay, don't you think?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Well, it's so I can take better care of Terri.

JOHN H. PECAREK: (mocking) Well, it's so I can take better care of Terri. Men aren't supposed to be nurses, unless they're faggots, that is.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: What the hell are you here for, anyway?

JOHN H. PECAREK: I've been appointed by the court to study past and present behavior of yours towards Schiavoton over here, to see if you've been abusive or not. What do you regularily do to make sure that the Schiavonator is happy?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Well, she's a permanent veg, so she really doesn't know what's going on, so what I do may be in vain, but I do it anyway, for her, because who knows, these doctors and scientists may be wrong, she could still feel good emotions, so I still cater to her sexual needs.

JOHN H. PECAREK: That's good to hear. I'm gonna go ahead and tell the judge that you are a supporting husband, and have been verrrry attentive to her, if you know what I mean.

Michael Schiavo and John H. Pecarek both laugh.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, I definitely do. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd like to be 'attentive' and a 'supporting husband' right now.

JOHN H. PECAREK: Sure thing, whatever Schiavo wants.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, yeah, whatever Schiavo wants.

John H. Pecarek leaves the room. Michael Schiavo proceeds to pleasure Terri Schiavo, for her own good.


TERRI SCHIAVO'S PHYSICIAN: Michael, it has come to our attention that Terri has developed a urinary tract infection.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: That's fucking disgusting.

TERRI SCHIAVO'S PHYSICIAN: Yes, well, many unfortunate things have happened to Terri, and they are unfortunate for you as well. I'm sorry.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, whatever. I have a question. Will we still be able to...you know...have sex?

TERRI SCHIAVO'S PHYSICIAN: Oh my! I would definitely not recommend that, I mean, clearly she's in a vegetative state! We just went over this heartbreaking news not too long ago...she is in a permanent vegetative state, also known as PVS.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Oh, of course, doc, I was just kiddin'!!! I got you!!!

Michael Schiavo and Terri Schiavo's physician both laugh.

Michael Schiavo, taking a recommendation from a doctor, chooses not to treat the infection, but that doesn't stop him from getting freaky with Schiziavo.

Nothing happens from 1994 to 1998, except Michael starts a relationship with dis one ho named Jody Centonze. Eventually she be his baby mama, twice. But shit get thick in '98. My homeboy Michael "Mikey" Schiavo tries to discontiunue life support for that one bitch, Terri. Terri's parents be all against that shit. On 9/11, this one doc declares that Terri is in a chronic vegetative state, can't interact with her environment, basically has a zero percent chance of recovery, and all that shit. The Schindlers try claiming some shit that dis one bone scan from back in the day ('91) proves Michael Schiavo abused Terri Schiavo. On the other hand, some doctors say the injuries are from her fall, CPR, resuscitation, etc. The Schindlers try to get a full hearing on the evidence, but a Republican judge, George Greer, don't play that shit, and shuts them down.


RICHARD PEARSE: From my research after being appointed by the courts as guardian of Terri Schiavo, I have concluded that she is indeed in a permanent vegetative state. But, based on other evidence on Michael Schiavo, it is my recommendation that we do not honor Michael Schiavo's request to remove Schiavo's feeding tube.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: (stands up) Fuck you!

RICHARD PEARSE: Objection, your honor!

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: Sustained, or overruled, or whatever...



RICHARD PEARSE: Sustained or overruled, your honor?


RICHARD PEARSE: It is possible that Michael could stand to gain a large sum of money from Terri Schiavo's death, if she does die, as she would from a feeding tube removal. He would gain her share of a previous lawsuit settlement. I am not sure whether Michael has Terri's best interests in mind.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: What the fuck are you talking about, Pearse?

Judge George Greer appears amused.

RICHARD PEARSE: Oooh. Well, a nurse from a nursing home of Terri's has said that you have made the comment "when will that bitch die?", referring to Terri, and various other similar comments.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Well, yeah, I was wondering when she's gonna die, is that a crime? It's been like 15 years that the bitch has been braindead.



RICHARD PEARSE: She's been in a different state for 8 years.

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: A different state? Objection, your honor! She's been in Florida the whole 15 years!

RICHARD PEARSE: It's been 8! And I meant she's been in a coma or PVS for 8 years now!

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: You're a dick!


Nothing happens in 1999. In 2000, Michael "Fag" Schiavo gets a nursing license. The trial over the feeding tube begins, with homeboy George Greer presiding and shit. The court rules that Terri would choose to have her feeding tube removed, that crazy bitch. A neurologist experiments and finds that Terri Schiavo's brain is really fucked up (upper brain is 80% destroyed, lower brain is very damaged).


JUDGE GEORGE GREER: I'd like to thank the Schiavos for coming.

BOB SCHINDLER: That's the Schindlers.

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: Oh, I guess I have the wrong case in my hands here.

BOB SCHINDLER: No, no, we're here for Terri Schiavo. We're the Schindlers, but we're fighting for Terri Schiavo.

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: Isn't Michael SCHIAVO fighting for Terri SCHIAVO?

BOB SCHINDLER: No, he's fighting to kill her.

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: Oh, bullshit! They have the same last name!

MARY SCHINDLER: We're fighting to save Terri Schindler-Schiavo.

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: Oh, now you're changing her name? Great. Schiavo, Schiavo, Schiavo. Your petition to allow these 'swallowing tests' is denied. And might I add, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself, Bob. 'Swallowing tests'? You're a freak!

BOB SCHINDLER: We want to see if Terri would be able to learn to consume food on her own.

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: Oh, nice fucking excuse. You're a sick, sick old man, you know that? Incest is illegal, I hope you know!

BOB SCHINDLER: We only have Terri's best inter-

JUDGE GEORGE GREER: (interrupts) Incest. Incest. Incest. Get out of my court!

Bob and Mary Schindler exit the courtroom. Judge George Greer eats a turkey and cheese sandwich.

In the soap opera that is Terri Schiavo, here is what happens next: Some courtroom shit goes down. A lot of courtroom shit goes down, actually. Terri's feeding tube is removed, then reinserted. It is removed again later, but there is a law passed about some chick named 'Terri', called 'Terri's Law', and Governor Jed Bush makes an appearance in this whole soap opera and demands that shit be put back into Terri. The Schindlers basically keep getting shut down and denied time after time by the cizourts and Jizudge George Greer. George W. Bush has a cameo in 2003, when he praises his broseph Jed for doing a good job dealing with the Schiavo matter. Governor Jed Bush, who isn't a former drummer for FOOB, asks this one judge to dismiss Michael Schiavo's lawsuit that says 'Terri's Law' is unconstitutional. When the judge refused, that dick Bush files a petition to remove the judge. In another related story line, the Pope (the one who's DEAD DEAD DEAD now) talks about life-sustaining treatments, vegetative state, and all that shit. George Greer is re-elected to another term in 2004 (thank God). The Supreme Court does not get involved, although requested to on more than one occasion.

A media tycoon tries to strike a deal with Michael Schiavo:


ROBERT HERRING: I'm willing to offer you one millllllllion dollars, Michael Schiavohhhh.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Fuckin' tight!

ROBERT HERRING: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, yes, but it would require a little something from youuuuuuuuuuuuuu, perhaps....

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: I'm listening.

Robert Herring strokes his mustache, blows his nose into a hundred-dollar bill, and thinks about all the apartment buildings and television channels he owns, and how he could buy people from India and enslave them at his mansion, if he wanted to.

ROBERT HERRING: I could enslave Indians if I wanted to.


ROBERT HERRING: In my mannnnnnnsion! You sounded like Schiavo there, b.t.w.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, huh, I kinda did.

Robert Herring and Michael Schiavo stare at each other for a few seconds, thinking about how awkward it is that he just made a sound like Schiavo. Well, actually Michael was thinking about that for the few seconds, while Robert Herring was thinking about opening up amusement parks, evading lawsuits, buying out football teams, and taking baths in money.

ROBERT HERRING: So, do we have a deal, Schiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiavoohhhh?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: You never said what I have to do.

ROBERT HERRING: Oh, nothing, old buddy, I mean, ol' buddy, nothing except (mumbles) wave guardianship of Terri Schiavo to her parents, the Schindlers, eh?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Aaah waahh???

ROBERT HERRING: You did it again, Michaele! You pulled a Schiavo!

Robert Herring and Michael Schiavo both laugh, although Robert Herring is laughing because he is thinking about how he could get a pillow made out of all gold, and sleep on it at night, whereas Michael is laughing out of embarassment, because he just pulled a Schiavo.

ROBERT HERRING: No, seriously though, dooooooooooo we have a deal there, Schiav-Schiav?



MICHAEL SCHIAVO: No, no, of course not. I'm not gonna give the Schindlers custody of Schiavo, Terri Schiavo, that is.

ROBERT HERRING: What about custody of the othhhhhher Schiavo?

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Aaaaaaarrrrrrrruuuuuuugggggghhhhh?!? The other Schiavo?!

ROBERT HERRING: You! I mean you, idiot.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Oh. Ha. I didn't see that coming.

ROBERT HERRING: Neither did I, son.

Robert Herring thinks about how he could make a ton of mexicans build a bowling alley in his house, and other commodities he could add. Michael exits as Robert Herring is spinning a globe and studying it intensely, probably thinking about world domination or something along those lines.

It has been reported that Michael Schiavo had received several offers to wave guardianship of Terri to her parents, including one of $10 million dollars, apparently/supposedly. Of course, some people just wanted to kill him, which would be easier. Like the guy who robbed a gun store because he wanted to 'save Terri'.




MARY SCHINDLER: Terri, good news!

BOBBY SCHINDLER: You just saved a bunch of money on your car insurance?

BOB SCHINDLER: Shut the fuck up, Bobby!

MARY SCHINDLER: We got you a website, Terri!


MARY SCHINDLER: No, no, it's not TerriSchiavo.com. It's TerrisFight.org.


MARY SCHINDLER: Don't get mad, Terri! I understand you wanted a dot-com site, but TerriSchiavo.com was already taken, so we had to go with dot-org.

BOBBY SCHINDLER: Yeah, TerriSchiavo.com is just some site with links to living will sites. But who needs living wills, right Terri? Haha.

Terri Schiavo doesn't laugh.


MARY SCHINDLER: Fine, we'll leave! But just be happy we got you any website at all! Next time you're in a minimally conscious state, we're not gonna get you a website, you ingrate!

Mary, Bob, and Bobby Schindler leave the nursing home, having learned a valuable lesson to always buy dot-com and never any other internet suffixes.

Things are getting real desperate for everyone who wants Schiavo to live. The courts are flooded with all kinds of bills, lawsuits, appeals, motions, and petitions concerning Terri Schiavo. The Schindlers keep getting owned by Judge George Greer. Terri Schiavo basically becomes a celebrity. Everybody knows her, and if she would move around and shit, she could get some serious ass. Things concerning Terri Schiavo are in the news every single fucking day, usually making the front page.

Terri Schiavo becomes the biggest fad ever...bigger than Pokémon, bigger than wrestling, bigger than skateboarding, bigger than yo-yos, bigger than nü metal, bigger than poker. Terri Schiavo goes on every talk show, they even introduce a "Pet Schiavo", reminiscent of the good ol' days of pet rocks. Businesses realize if you have Terri Schiavo praise your product in a commercial, sales go up.


DAVID GIBBS: Don't be fooled by the last name of Terri, i.e. Schiavo. She wants nothing to do with the name Schiavo. She is the most Schindler bitch out there. If it was possible, she'd change her name.

REPORTER: But, Mr. Gibbs, it actually is possible to legally change one's names.

DAVID GIBBS: That's fucking ridiculous. No more questions, this press conference is over.


GEORGE FELOS: In response to David "FAG" Gibbs statements earlier today, we have this to say.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, yeah, Michael Schiavo here. If a Schiavo like Terri can be the most Schindler person out there, then surely I must be like, the second most Schindler person ever.

GEORGE FELOS: He's as Schindler as a mothafucka!

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: Yeah, I'm as Schindler as a motherfucker!

GEORGE FELOS: (whispers loudly to Michael, the crowd can hear) No, "mothafucka"! You're not a "motherfucker"! That's swearing if you say that, and you know you'll get criticized by Schiavo supporter-fags. This is why you have to let me do the talking! You can be an idiot sometimes, Mike.

MICHAEL SCHIAVO: I'm sorry, George.

GEORGE FELOS: It's okay, honey.


Governor Jed Bush is giving an announcement to the media about Terri Schiavo.

JED BUSH: There's a little saying that goes around down where I come from. It goes a little something like this. Schiavo me once, shame on you. Schiavo me twice, shame on me. But Schiavo me three times, shame on Terri Schiavo. Shame on Terri Schiavo.

The crowd is appalled.

JED BUSH: Oh, no! I mean, shame on Michael Schiavo. Schiavo me twice, shame on Michael Schiavo, er, three times, I mean. Goddamnit, fucking Bush genes!

On March 17th, a day before Terri Schiavo's feeding tube is scheduled to be removed by order of the courts, Bill "Fag" Frist and Michael "Fag" Enzi pull one of the most desperate attempts to save Terri, next to "ah wah" and the guy who robbed the gun store. They announce that Terri would be called to testify before a U.S. Senate committee, which would extend witness protection to her somehow, which would require reinsertion of her feeding tube. This just goes to show you how uneducated Frist and Enzi are. They must know nothing about Terri if they think she'll be able to testify! Fucking conservatives.

Terri Schiavo is lying on her death bed. She is given annointing of the sick/last rites.


BOB SCHINDLER: Terri, if you want to live, you have to say the words. You're gonna die, they're starving you to death, as I'm sure you are well aware. What do you want, Terri?

TERRI SCHIAVO: (gibberish) Aaaaahhh....WAAAHHH!

BOB SCHINDLER: Oh my fucking god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Terri, what a miracle! You spoke! You said a complete sentence! She wants to live, oh my gawd, she wants to live!!!

DAVID GIBBS: (he is shaking Terri violently) Finish the fucking sentence, Terri, fucking finish your sentence!!!!

BOB SCHINDLER: Leave her alone, Dave! You're gonna kill her!

DAVID GIBBS: Oh, she's already dead, Bob, she's already dead...spiritually.

BOB SCHINDLER: No, not at all!

DAVID GIBBS: Just kiddin', you've been Punk'd.

No one laughs except Terri Schiavo.

DAVID GIBBS: But let's get back to the point, ah wah. She spoke! This is a modern fucking miracle! Gather the press!!!!

MARY SCHINDLER: Who are you talking to?

DAVID GIBBS: Myself, Mary, myself.


DAVID GIBBS: This morning, I done saw the greatest thing I done ever seen in me life. It left me speechless and breathless, just like Terri Schiavo. Except, today, she spoke. It is to our understanding that today, Terri Schiavo tried to speak the words "I want to live, Mr. George W. Bush". I can't believe it! Michael Schiavo lied all along like the piece of shit white trash motherfucker that he is!

REPORTER: How would she know George W. Bush is our president being in the state she is in?

DAVID GIBBS: You know what, shut up. You fucking Michael supporters make me sick. Of course Terri knows who our president is. Do you think she's fucking dumb, huh? You think she doesn't know what's going on. No. Terri is the smartest person I know, ever. She knows everything that's going on, everywhere, ever. Terri Schiavo knows all.


The courts decide to completely pwn the Schindlers one last time. The Schindlers have run out of chances. It is evident that Terri Schiavo will die very soon. It appears there is absolutely no hope. And then, there is a light that appears at the end of the tunnel! After about twelve days without food or water or alcohol, an Atlanta court agrees to review a petition for a hearing from the Schindlers to consider reinserting the feeding tube. And then comes the biggest ownage in the history of man: that same day, the court denies the petition, Terri Schiavo dies the next day, and the day after that, April Fool's Day, toxicgreen.com is born.

Terri Schiavo is cremated. Her autopsy made everyone's summer once it was released, saying that she was indeed in a persistent vegetative state with no chance of recovery, and that there was no sign of abuse.

For no reason at all, a university in Florida starts a scholarship in the name of Terri Schiavo for kids going into the field of priesthood.

During the credits, I will have silly things from the news, press conferences, and commercials, still acted out and scripted.

One would be a commercial for Big Red, with Terri saying "Big Red gum leaves me breathless...literally".

One would be a reporter outside the hospice, saying "today's a sad day for Schiavo, because it's another day where she's a veg".

One would be a continuation of Jed Bush's press conference. He would keep going with the saying: "Schiavo me four times, shame on George Felos. Schiavo me five times..." and list almost everyone involved in the Schiavo/Schindler soap opera.

R.I.P. Terri "veg 4 life" Schiavo. Whenever you hear the words "ah wah", take a moment to reflect on Terri Schiavo and her life.

THE END. Thanks for reading. Keep an eye out or ear open or mouth open for the actual movie.

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